By Maan de Vera
I’ve always had a fear of cutting people off. No matter how bad things get, I would always train my eyes to find whatever good remains, and when I fail to find one...I start to look for excuses.
I've nursed this notion that all relationships should be about constantly understanding despite the imperfections, mistakes, and the downright ugly sides of those we’ve chosen to keep in our lives.
And it sure feels like you used these against me.
But because of everything that happened between us, I woke up to the realization that while relationships are about compromise, it should also be about respecting boundaries, knowing when you’ve wronged those who care about you, and learning when to apologize.
So when you failed to give me those things, I knew I had two options: to leave or to stay miserable.
Luckily, I finally found the courage to let you go. Walking away from you certainly wasn’t easy. But let me tell you this, nothing was more difficult than taking the next steps, and I took each of them with all my strength.
This is where I went:
I went looking for myself.
I believe that I’ve already mentioned that I love getting lost in your eyes and your stories. Well, I used to. However, what I didn’t see is that I was also getting lost in your games. Looking back, I had no clue how successful you were into pushing me into something that complimented you and pushing me away from the person that I really am. I see that now. It may be difficult to figure out who I am or what I can be without you...but I am definitely in the process of getting to know that person.
I went looking for forgiveness.
I’ve long accepted the fact that you’ll never accept that you’ve made mistakes. However, here I am, trying to forgive you and myself. I want to forgive you for all the pain that you have caused me and I want to forgive myself for allowing you to do it. Someday, I’ll be able to forgive you for valuing pride over the people who cared about you and I’ll forgive myself for defending you from them. No apologies needed. We’ve both won. You get to keep your ego. I’ll keep my peace of mind.
I went looking for more meaningful relationships.
I’m pretty sure that I’ll be a completely different person after this episode of my life. Less trusting. Less open. Less empathetic. A bit more cautious. Walls a little higher and a lot stronger. But the surprising thing is that there are those who are willing to climb these barriers for me—for who I am and not just for what service I can bring to them. Slowly, I’m finding out what it truly means to be there for people who is also there for you.
After all has been said and done, I want you to know that I still take a peek at where we used to be. Not at all with sadness or not even with regret, but, sometimes, I just like getting a glimpse of where I no longer go back to, of a place I never did belong; so that I can remind myself that walking away was a decision that I deserved to make.
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