By Maan de Vera
A heartbreak is a writer’s fuel. Nothing ever makes the mind blurt out the right words to say more than pain. But for some reason, after everything that transpired between us, I’ve always wondered why it felt impossible to pour my emotions into letters when it comes to you.
So, with every ounce of confidence that I can muster and a drink in my hand, allow me to explain exactly why I never wrote about you.
1. To write about you is to admit that I was weak.
We’ve crossed paths during an interesting time in our lives. We were both looking the other way. We were both busy with building our careers that we never really acknowledged what was in front of us.
But this is a lie, I never said a word because I was afraid. I didn’t want to rock the stability that we were able to build. You’ve always known me as someone who made things happen, but I am sorry—I was too weak to make us happen.
2. To write about you is to acknowledge that I have made a mistake.
You know how I will always tell you that you’re full of pride? Well, guess what? You have no idea about just how hard I tried to deny that I made a mistake. You were right there in front of me. Willing to address the feelings that I had been trying to overlook.
You were right there in front of me—vulnerable. All I had to do was say the word, but instead I built my walls higher when all I wanted to do was to let you in. Sometimes I still reminisce that day as if I can take it all back. On some days, I try to push back the glimpses of that moment as if it never happened. It was all me. The mistake was all mine. I’m sorry.
3. To write about you is to accept that it’s over.
When all is said and done, I just want you to know that I am happy that we went through what we did. While I can’t take back everything that I did (or didn’t do,) I wish you all the best in the path that you have chosen to take on by yourself.
It was so painful to write about you.
But what else can one do when your what-ifs turn into what-could-never-be?
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