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Daily Diaries: How Being Insecure Over My College BF Broke Us Apart

Daily Diaries: How Being Insecure Over My College BF Broke Us Apart

 

When you're in a relationship, it's easy to think that insecurity is built because of something your partner said or did. Although a part of it is true, insecurities usually exist because of what we feed our minds. 

Unfortunately, insecurity got into me to me when I was in college. I was in a relationship with a talented young boy, who I am with in the same department and same batch. When we began dating, I started to notice things I never paid attention before like how he's better at public speaking and good at 3D drawing than me. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I couldn't help but compare myself to him in a lot of ways which in the end broke us apart. If you think you're in the same scenario as me before, here are the moments how my insecurity broke us apart which hopefully you could avoid happening! 

1. I started a non-existent competition with him.

It's quite surprising how out of all the amazing people I'm surrounded with, I chose to compare myself to my college boyfriend even if he didn't do anything to make me feel bad about myself. He has always been the kind of guy who showed nothing but love for me and everything that I do, so I believe that my insecurity started when I noticed how everything that I can do, he can do better. From video editing to illustrating, he's the best at it while I'm just average. That's how the non-existent competition started. 

2. I stopped asking for his help.

Since my college boyfriend is an intelligent person, you would assume that I always ask for his help on things I'm not the good at. But instead of doing that, I chose to ignore his help and do everything on my own even if sometimes what I'm doing is completely wrong. I started having this pride of not doing the things he told me to do because I want to prove him that he isn't always right. 

3. I rarely show my appreciation with the things he does.

When you're in a relationship, one of the most important things to do is to show your appreciation in everything that he does. I used to be his best cheerleader, but when my insecurity ate me up, I started faking my support towards him to the point that I called him arrogant even if he's not acting like one. I know what I was doing during that time was wrong, but when your emotions is just too much, you're becoming a rude person. 

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4. I became distant towards him.

I had a really intimate emotional closeness with my college boyfriend, but because of my insecurities, I unconsciously became distant towards. This is something I never wanted to happen, but I just can't help it, every time I'm with him, I start comparing myself, that's why I chose to stay away to avoid feeling that way.  

5. I read too much with the things he does. 

Whether it's reciting in front of our class or asking our professor some questions, I couldn't stop myself from reading too much. I keep on assuming that he's just trying to boast his capabilities to everyone which annoyed me. I tried my best to not overthink, but the more I spend time with him during class, the more I felt insecure about the fact that he can show off something and I'm just beside him sitting quietly. 

He knew that I'm pissed off at him but he never understood why, and every time he asked me about it, I just brush it off like nothing's really wrong. Thankfully, we were able to fix it in the end. He helped me realize how comparing myself to him or to anyone for that matter is unnecessary because I have things I can do that they can't do, comparing just lowered my self-esteem in the worst way possible. Although we're not together anymore, I would always remember that I'm unique. If you're feeling the same way, I hope you can realize that you are good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or just plain enough. I know that deep in your heart, you know what you're worth. You just need to be reminded of it. 

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