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Daily Diaries: Why I Chose The Pain Of Letting Go Over The Pain Of Holding On

Daily Diaries: Why I Chose The Pain Of Letting Go Over The Pain Of Holding On

 

They say that letting go hurts less than holding on and to some extent that is the truth, but both are equally painful—you cannot compare different kinds of pain. The pain of holding on comes from being undervalued, the pain of letting go comes from the feeling of loss.

Pain comes with loving someone, but loving someone shouldn't be all about pain. When the pain is too much, when the pain overshadows the good things that you feel, you should know when to stop and let go.  We’ve all found a love that we thought would last a lifetime. But there are times when it’s just us who thought that way—and we’re the only one who’s fighting to keep that relationship. But when the time comes, you will learn to do what is right for your own sake. I’ve been burnt, and I’ve learned. And here are the reasons why I chose to let go, not because I want to but because I have to.

I’m done putting my heart on the line for someone who’s always unsure. Loving is like finding your home, even after years of being away, you’ll know where it is. I’ve taken risks time and time again. I’ve always put my neck on the chopping block for you, for us. I was willing to burn bridges for you, for the possibility of us. I’m done burning bridges just to light up your path. But as time passed, I knew that wasn’t enough–I will never be enough for you. Then it dawned on me, I am not home.

I realized that I was waiting on someone who’ll never come around. I used to make excuses for you, thinking that you were just traumatized from your past relationship or your heart got shattered so much that you got scared to try again. But then it became clear to me that you’re never coming around, not because I am not enough, but because I am not the one.

I got tired asking for your love and attention. Loving someone shouldn’t be a competition, if anything, it should be a you-and-me-against-the-world kind of thing not just me-against-every-hurdle-between-us. There were times when I felt that I was becoming an inconvenience, that I would blame myself for reaching out more. Then I realized that in love, it should always be a give-and-take for both parties, not just one person giving and the other taking.

I knew I couldn’t keep being the first to say, "hello." I stopped waiting for the call that will never come. I’ve put so much effort into communicating that I didn’t mind if I was always the first to message, first to say “I miss you,” or even “I love you”. There are times when I just want to read something from you first thing in the morning. But I couldn’t ask that of you, I wouldn’t force that out of you. The truth is that I got tired of putting in so much effort—not that I’m counting—but I never got the same affection back from you.

I got tired fighting for the both of us. There was a time when I thought that I could love hard, hard enough for the both of us. But then I felt empty—I felt drained, and I couldn’t feel anymore. If you’re in a situation where you’re the only one fighting for the both of you, there is really no other choice but to let go. Once you do, you'll learn to love yourself just as hard minus the all the pain and disappointment. It would feel as easy as breathing, and you'll realize that the only relationship worth fighting for is the one with yourself.

I’ve had enough, officially.

At the end of the day, we choose the people we allow to hurt us. And I know, I’ll never choose you again. If you've felt more pain than love, run. Don’t blame nor doubt yourself if the love you give isn’t coming back. You’ll realize that you deserve to be loved with no hesitations. You’ll find someone who will not hesitate to call you their home.

ALSO READ: Daily Diaries: What It's Like To Be The One Who Is Emotionally Unavailable

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