People see you as a mystery, sometimes, a challenge that needs to be conquered. They have this mindset that you’re just a frozen good waiting to be thawed by fiery love and warm hugs. But emotional availability isn’t like a switch that you have the power to just turn on or off. It has become somewhat your defense mechanism to not get hurt again without intentionally harming the people who actually care for you.
There are different reasons why you became that way. You may have been burnt by romances or hurt by people you didn't except to cause you heartaches. You got tired feeling the same pain over and over again. And now you’re like a gypsy that wanders and settles on series of one-sided whirlwind romances, receiving love but unintentionally not giving it back.
Some of us may be the receiving end of half-hearted emotions. But if you know that you're the one who's actually unable to give your full commitment to a romantic relationship, then you can probably relate to these things:
You may still be hurting from the past.
Maybe one of the reasons why you’re still emotionally unavailable is that you’re still hurting from your last heartbreak. Sometimes, you just need to heal and actually learn to fully let go of them before you become ready to do it again. They say that time heals all wounds, and to be honest, that’s the truth. You don’t equate companionship to happiness. While you're still recovering, you just have to learn to feel happy on your own before you let other people make you feel that kilig happiness once more and vice versa.
You easily cut people off.
You’re at this point in your life where when they stay, you say thank you. When they go, you say thank you, next. You’ve been through worse, you say. You think you’ve lost more important people in your life than the people you’re cutting off now. And so to you, it feels as easy as breathing.
You don’t easily show vulnerability.
You’ve been hurt, that’s a given. You wouldn’t even feel the need to close yourself off to other people if you didn’t experience pain. You build walls around you thinking that it protects you from people who've hurt or will potentially hurt you. Walls are like double-edged swords–they protect you from harm but can also hurt you by keeping people who care for you out. The truth is you don’t show vulnerability because it ultimately stems from fear of rejection or abandonment.
You are good with short-term intimacy.
This doesn't simply mean sleeping around. Furthermore, you easily lose interest even with just a little misstep. You’re not big on the personal talks, meeting their friends, or long-term plans. Thinking ahead scares the heck out of you because you are unsure what the future holds for the both of you. You aren’t even sure if you’ll still feel the same for them after a few weeks or even days. Maybe when you wake up one day, that initial spark isn’t there anymore. You try to make it work but something just doesn't feel right, so you let go.
You are not as excited as they are.
When you’re going out with your SO or whatever you call them at this point, you just see it as another day. Unlike before, there are neither butterflies nor fireworks. There’s just you and your fickle willingness to try again.
You feel guilty because you don’t feel the same.
When you know that the other person is invested in you, it puts that inexplicable weight on your shoulders. You feel guilty because you know that they are five steps ahead of you when it comes to your relationship and it almost physically hurts you that, although you are willing, you are not there yet with them.
Whatever the reason is why you became emotionally unavailable, there is still a chance that one day you'll start feeling again, and you wouldn't want anything to ruin your new-found passion. Someday you’ll want something so much in your life that you’ll cling onto it and never let it go. After all the troubles in the sea, your gypsy heart will find a shore that will keep you calm. You'll let yourself be anchored down because you’ve finally found home.
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