By Jim Bendoy
Chalk Campus Correspondent
As someone who identifies as gay, having a fine boyfriend, meeting Troye Sivan in a coffee shop, or singing together with Lady Gaga in her concert. It is just so enormous that I used to fear thinking about it and talking about it with someone. I thought that there are things better to be kept within myself, so that’s what I did.
During my 4th grade I treated girls like they were princesses whom I needed to save from dragons or from walking mushrooms in a castle – at least that’s what Superior Mario has taught me. But still, I only looked at girls like they were my Dionne and I am their Cher from Clueless. It’s just a weird feeling that there were times that I want to take care of them.
So coming out for me is like moving mountains to the city where there will be a lot of casualties and ruined properties once I made it happen. Maybe there was something wrong that I needed to fix inside me, or I needed to experience something to accept myself.
It was unexpected, the times I look to boys were more frequent than the times I bat my eyes at girls. Then I met the person that made me realize that it’s not a sin, that it’s something natural within me and that is my color, my rainbow vivid scheme so beautiful that I must not be ashamed of – until our hearts came closer together –an unconventional yet the most beautiful love I have ever seen.
Then I felt that the closet where I used to be was shrinking and contracting until I couldn’t breathe anymore. There was a lump in my throat that I knew I needed to let go, there was something inside me that needed to be set-free. Then I opened and left the closet I’ve been since the first time my mother bought me a blue shirt or a toy gun.
Suddenly, that mountain that I fear of moving became a cloud – a lightweight cloud that even the wind or air can move it through the skyscrapers of the city. But it was not my action that ousted me to my parents; it was a message from him that happened to be read by my father.
Then he asked me the question I was so afraid to answer. It was a word-vomit, everything just went out and I couldn’t help but let my brimming tears from my eyes to roll down my cheeks. I felt the disappointment from their voices, the troubled sound of my father’s words made me think that I am not the son he will be proud of.
But he told me that it is okay, that I should love better. His words calmed me and I felt safe more than ever within our home.
That night, the reality came to me–I am coming out to the people that I should truly trust. Then my father cried after hearing from me that I tried to stop this seed inside me from growing.
I was wrong, there were no casualties, there were zero properties ruined by my action. The people that I thought that will be mostly damage from me coming out were the people that actually helped me not to self-destruct. The heart that I have is not actually broken that needs other people’s approval to be fixed, it is painted in rainbow and I am beyond proud to be different from the others.
For those who are going through the same struggle that I have experienced, don’t forget to stay true to yourself and be the color your heart always wanted you to be. You are not a disappointment; you are more than labels and opinions. Accept yourself, and everything will follow.
ALSO READ: #LiveYoung: What Does Coming Out Mean To You?