By Elisha Gabrielle Estacio
Chalk Campus Correspondent
To My Almost-Ex,
I miss you, but I have to do this.
You came into my life unexpectedly. I fell for you fast. They say I should be careful with my feelings for you because I would only get my heart broken. They say that things that start quickly also end in the blink of an eye. And that’s exactly what happened to me. To us.
The people around me say I should just move on and forget about you because we weren’t even "together," but how can I when everything felt real for me? I've never experienced anything truer than your care, your love, and our connection with each other. Tell me, how can I move on when I know deep down in my heart that I still have feelings for you? How can I when there are still thoughts of you in my mind? How can I let you go if you’re still in my heart? I’ve never been good at expressing myself, but I know I can share more of me by writing this. This is easier.
You made me so happy when you came. Yes, what we had didn't last, but it was better than the relationship I've had with any "real" ex. Since the day I fell for you, my imagination has gone as far as things that I wanted to happen. I even thought about our future together. I didn’t even care about labels because you said you wanted to get to know me more first. You said that, despite the status of our relationship, I was still important to you and that you loved me.
I was insanely drawn to you and I became addicted to your presence. You were the best friend that I could talk to about anything and everything—and that’s what makes all of this difficult. I still can’t let go of you completely. The thoughts of you and our memories together are still with me. Every now and then, I say that I’m already over you and I’m better off without you, but no matter how hard I try, you’re still in my heart and soul. God, I love you very much. I still do, baby. Why is loving you so hard? Why didn't you fight for us? Why didn't you hold on to me? I want to let you go. I want to break free. I just can't do it. I just can't. You always make me cry.
Why aren't you hurting? Why is this easy for you? Did you really even care about me? Did you truly love me? There are so many questions running through my mind, but I know these will remain unanswered.
What hurts me the most is after we decided to go our separate ways, there’s a new "no-label girlfriend" who came to your life. She looks prettier and thinner. She seems happier to be with. You hangout more with each other and get along even more than we did. You bring her to church and spend time with her all day. I feel a sudden wave of sorrow every time I think about it. My baby replaced me right away, with someone who’s more. With someone who’s way prettier. With someone whose parents are not that strict. With someone who's of the same religion. Someone from the same school. Someone with the same course.
We’re so far away from each other and I can't help but feel so insecure. I feel like crap. You've found the relationship you've always dreamt about, but, unfortunately, it's not with me. It seems only yesterday when you made me feel like I was the most special girl in the world, but, today, I am no one. I might accept it if this happened after a few months, but no, you replaced me right away. Just a few days after our non-breakup. You replaced me like I was just a piece of clothing to be thrown away. What was I to you, really? You are so unfair.
But why does it feel better right now? After battling with words and keys for hours, I feel wonderful. I feel free. It’s coming to me that you don’t deserve the kind of love I am giving to you. I know, someday, someone will see my worth. Someday, someone will appreciate me. Someday, someone will look past my flaws and love me for who I really am. I need to accept that we aren’t meant for each other. You are just a lesson learned. Life gave me you for a short span of time, for me to become a better person. I don’t need anyone just to feel loved. I don’t need someone who made me feel kilig, but left me all by myself in the end. I just need myself—my better self to go on with life. There are many great people around me who shouldn't be taken for granted and should be cherished more than I've cherished you. After all, life is still beautiful! We just have to appreciate the right people and let go of the wrong ones.
So long, my almost-ex.
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Banner photograph via Unsplash.